Author's Insights

Predawn Ponderings

Predawn Ponderings – This morning I woke up before dawn and could not shut my mind down. This past week, a dear friend of mine passed away. She was 20 years older than I and she has been an important part of my life for well over 20 years. Our friendship arose out of a caregiving situation that blossomed into a deep friendship. Sometimes the relationship seemed more like a mother/daughter relationship. She gave me advice, support, and a few times, a dose of reality. Other times, the relationship was more of a girlfriend-like relationship. Lots of gabbing! We could talk for hours about everything and nothing! Other times our relationship reverted back to caregiving. Helping her think through a health crisis; talking about end of life concerns; and occasionally, actual hands-on care was provided.

As I sat in the dark of the predawn hours thinking about my friend, it led me to think about so many other relationships in my life that started through a caregiving scenario and eventually evolved into lasting friendships.

I have been blessed! Blessed to be allowed to be a part of a families life when they are the most vulnerable as a result of an illness, family crisis or facing death. Blessed to have the opportunity to learn so much about life by just observing and listening to others in the midst of chaos. Some may not see these situations as a blessing. Many of the people I have been involved with over the past 40 years as a nurse, an advocate, through pastoral care, or being with family and friends, led me to create my organizer, When The Time Comes.

What I have learned over the years is that people want to be heard but often don't know how to speak up. They are often afraid to speak to their loved ones regarding personal caregiving needs or end of life concerns. Some are so afraid of becoming a burden on others that they actually make it more difficult for others to care for them. Other times, it is the caregiver who refuses to seek respite for themselves or allow others to help with caregiving tasks even though the caregiving tasks have far exceeded the expertise and capabilities they possess.

I am not a mental health professional but what I have witnessed is that being vulnerable is not something most people like to feel or reveal. We like control over chaos. We prefer strength over what we perceive as weakness. Many people avoid conflict, or challenging, or discussing different view points.

But back to the point of my predawn ponderings – I am so thankful for the opportunities I have encountered through caregiving. The friendships made. The lessons I have learned through observing and listening . The intimate moments between people that I have both witnessed and experienced through the simple acts of sharing a smile, holding a hand, sitting in silence, shedding a tear together, or just being fully present. These are the moments that really count.

Rest in peace my dear friend. You taught me much about life

DISCLAIMER:  The author of When The Time Comes does not claim to be an expert in the fields of banking, investments, accounting, insurance, real estate or law. The author does not provide legal advice. The information contained in this binder comes from the personal experience of the author working with families and individuals over the past 40 years as a registered nurse, health advocate, POA, Guardian and through pastoral care. Readers are advised to contact experts in the respective fields listed in the binder for additional information.

© 2022 Carol Havens | All rights reserved
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